How to Scare a Man Off

Ladies, I’m here to help in any way that I can. Whether it be with advice or direction or simply answering any questions you may have about the male species, I’m your guy. Just consider me your man behind the enemy lines. Basically, I’m the straightest gay best friend you’ll ever have.

So when I see and hear women wondering what caused their man to scamper off with his tale between his legs, I can’t help but examine the situation and pinpoint just what caused the severing of their little union. After all, some men (and women) lie when they’re breaking up with you (the heathens *ahem*), so how can you be certain the reason they’re giving for the breakup is actually the God’s honest truth? Unless you’re clairvoyant or Phoebe Buffay, you can’t, really.

However, through my own millions and millions of terminated relationships (that may be only a slight exaggeration) and the breakups I’ve witnessed, read about, and caused (I was a terrible person at one point in my life), I’ve deduced five sure fire things that will make a man drop almost all contact and run for them there hills. Use them for good (avoid doing them to keep your guy around) or evil (do them on purpose to drive a guy away); the choice is 100% yours. I’m merely the messenger and I hope not to get shot over this or any other article of mine.

Disclaimer: there is, of course, the exception to every rule. So these five things may not work on every guy, every time. But as general guidelines, they’re pretty spot on.

Disclaimer Part 2: this is all written from a man’s perspective, so it’s likely to offend at least some of you ladies. To that, I shrug and say, “Meh…” However, you can’t say you haven’t been warned.

Anyhoo, I present to you, five ways to scare a man off:

Plan/Talk About Your Wedding/Marriage Before He’s Proposed
Few things are as frightening as a woman who is recklessly desperate to be married. And really, it’s not even their fault. It’s the stupid part of society that pressures women to be married by 25 or be shunned for good (this is especially prevalent in the Christian culture. Ugh). Some women take this a bit too seriously and make it their life’s mission to snag a man and drag him down the aisle as Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” plays (sexiest saxophone evah). Only, most men can smell the scent of desperation a mile away and it causes them to run in the opposite direction. In fact, part of the reason my last relationship ended was because my girlfriend at the time began discussing marriage after only 4 months of us being together and kept talking about it and kept talking about it and…well, you get the picture. It was daunting to say the least (mainly because I got married too quickly once before and I’m not in a rush to make that same mistake twice).
Even though you may really want to get married, there’s no reason to bring up any sort of wedding/marriage related subjects in the first 6 months of your relationship (again, there are exceptions to every rule, aren’t there, Darrell and Ally?). If the guy isn’t ready to hear it, he’s likely going to be frightened off (we men are cowards like that).
So keep that hope chest locked tight until enough time has passed so that broaching the subject doesn’t seem too weird or unnatural.
A good rule of thumb: if you have to ask if it’s too soon to be talking about marriage, it probably is.

Name Your Non-Existent Children
This should be fairly obvious, but just in case it isn’t, let’s break it down.
To some men (and women, actually), having children can be seen as a prison of sorts (no offense to the kiddos, but it’s the truth). It limits what you can do and where you can go for about 18 years. So if you’ve already picked out your future kids’ names, maybe keep them to yourself unless you’re asked or something.
The only thing scarier than a woman desperate to get married is a woman desperate to have kids because a kid lasts forever and marriages are pretty easily done away with these days (insert frowny face).
Therefore, until little Ansel or tiny Sephora are possibly, maybe on their way, it’s probably best to keep mum about them around your new boyfriend. Unless you’re already sick of him and want to scare him away. In that case, name off like 7 or 8 little brats and watch him hightail it for the Yukon.
Bonus reason: if you keep the baby names to yourself, that whore Trisha in your biology class can’t steal them.

Pressure Him to Meet the Family
This can get a bit touchy because most guys are hesitant to introduce the new girlfriend to the family. Why? Because if it doesn’t work out, they’ll get a million thousand questions about why and whose fault was it and what not (you gals go through the same thing, I’m assuming). So, in reality, it’s best to wait until we know it’s the real thing before we bring you over for Thanksgiving or what-have-you. It’s not you, it’s us. We don’t like the drama.
With that in mind, try not to bring up too many questions about when or where you’ll get to meet his brothers and sisters and mom and dad. When he’s comfortable, it’ll happen.
Now, if you’re wanting to get him to run away, text his brother, buy his sister some sexy new boots, and friend his mom on Facebook, all without him knowing. That’ll do the trick just about every time.

Cry in Public A Lot
This reason is rude and insensitive, but I’m here to tell the truth and the truth is that people who cry in public a lot are annoying to deal with. I’m sorry if you’re a cryer, but that’s just the hard honest truth.
If you find yourself tearing up more often than not, maybe figure out the reason behind the tears before entering the dating pool. That or just keep a lot of tissues on hand/excuse yourself to go the bathroom a lot. Because crying usually equals drama and we don’t want people thinking you’re crying because we said something mean to you and/or hit you or something.
Bonus reason: if you refuse to cry in public, people won’t be able to quote you that famous line from A League of Their Own. And not being a punch line is always an admirable goal.

Don’t Talk About Your Failed Relationships
The reason for this one is multi-faceted.
1. Guys, for the most part, don’t like to hear about the dudes you were into before us. As far as we’re concerned, we’re the first guy you’ve ever dated. Nothing before us existed, so it doesn’t matter. (We’re jealous Neanderthals, I know)
2. If those past failed relationships were your fault for whatever reason, why give him insight into why those relationships failed? Let him figure things out for himself without any hints from you. Besides, he probably has ten times more things wrong with him than you do, anyway.

There you have it. Keep these five reasons in mind when it comes to trying to land a man and you’ll be likely to keep him around longer. At least, that’s what I tell my students at the Copeland’s Offensive School for Dummies. Thanks for reading, you guys.

NOTE: NEVER CHANGE FOR A MAN, LADIES. YOU SHOULN’T HAVE TO TAILOR YOUR BEHAVIOR FOR A MAN TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. ALWAYS AND FOREVER BE YOURSELF. IF A MAN CAN’T HANDLE THAT, HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU. FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN AND HALLELUJAH.
(This message brought to you by the Feminist Movement’s Fatwah on Cory Copeland and my own common sense)

Twitter: @Cory_Copeland