They say breaking up is hard to do…or maybe that’s Pilates? Anyway, the saying is true for breaking up for the most part. You’ve invested time and effort (hopefully) into your relationship with this person, but now you want out and that means having to break up with them. Now, you could go the cowardly route and have a friend do it for you (done it) or send a sequence of ill-advised text messages doing the deed (done that too), but if you’ve actually ever cared for the person, you’ll do it in person.
However, the way the situation plays out is entirely up to you. Why are you breaking up with this person? Is it their fault? Are you tired of them and want to be rid of them, or is there something specifically wrong with them that you can no longer handle on a daily basis? Whatever the reason, it’s important to remember that this is a human person whose heart you’re breaking. They have feelings and they have tears (oh so many tears…), and if you don’t want to deal with either (because, let’s be honest, it’s drama city when a heart gets broken), it may be prudent to maybe, possibly, almost lie about the reason you’re breaking up with them.
I KNOW! I’m a terrible person for even suggesting such a thing, but as always, I have your best interest at heart. Just trust me! (never trust someone who says that…unless they’re me, obvs).
Therefore, I present to you three very special reasons it’s okay to lie when breaking up with your boyfriend/girlfriend.
Here we go:
You Don’t Want to Hurt Their Feelings
Let’s be completely honest here: some people don’t take bad news very well. They get that wounded deer look and star ugly crying all over the place. It’s a sight. And because of that, it may be necessary to fib a little when you’re breaking up with this person you’ve been attached to.
It doesn’t have to be some great big, expansive lie, but maybe pull the patented George Costanza, “It’s not you, it’s me” routine. Take the blame on yourself instead of pointing out the 236 faults and insecurities this person has that makes being with them so unbearable. Doing so will mean they aren’t completely ruined by your making a break for it like Michael Scofield and the rest of the Foxboro Seven (Prison Break FTW!).
Taking this route may just save you and them a lot trouble, tears, and dramatics. Just remember to keep this story afloat when telling others why you and your significant other are no longer together. The number one rule of lying? Consistency. (I’m going to hell for this post, aren’t I?)
You Don’t Want Them Badmouthing You to Everyone and their Momma
This line of reasoning is a bit more selfish, but then again, you’re the one breaking up with this person who loves and cherish you with all they have, so being selfish is right up your alley (kidding!).
Realistically, none of us like to have bad things said about us. That’s just human nature, really. But when you break up with someone and lay the blame on them, it’s likely they’ll have some unkind words to spread on your behalf. BUT…if you shade the reasons for the breakup to your own fault, it’s less likely that this person will have horrible, awful, inhumane things to say about you (like you pee the bed or murder squirrels and whatnot).
Again, this reasoning is a bit selfish, but then again, it gets you off relatively scot-free so why are you complaining? Hush it, liar liar pants/bra on fire.
You Don’t Want to Get Murdered
Again, you’re being selfish here, but really, who wants to get murdered? Hardly anyone, so it’s understandable.
The truth is that some people have a preeeetty bad temper when being rejected and this can result in physical harm/blood loss for one or more people in the immediate vicinity. And really, no one wins in that situation. So if you think your future former lover has a tendency to get a little stabby, maybe tell them you’re moving to Africa or mother Russia or something? Whatever you tell them, make sure they never find out the truth. ‘Cuz if they do, it’s likely you could end up on some “Solve the Murder Case!” reality show, starring as the person smiling in the blurry photos because they ain’t breathing no mo’.
Take the blame for the breakup. It’ll feel better than a pipe to the back of the head, a knife to the chest, or strychnine down the throat.
These are the three main reasons to tell a fib or two when breaking up with someone. Abide by them and hopefully you won’t get cried on, badmouthed, or murdered. But if you do, that’s what you get for listening to the guy who drives around in leather gloves while wearing Ryan Gosling’s jacket from Drive.
Note: this post was, of course, written tongue-in-cheek (that sounds gross, huh?). You should always be honest in every facet of your relationship, from beginning to end.