I’m Single but not Broken (by Cassi Clerget)
I’m sitting alone in a coffee shop as I write these words. Comfortably situated at a small table built for two, I enjoy a raspberry Italian soda, the blank page, and the occasional conversation courtesy of Twitter and text messages. I see couples enjoying their coffee, watch young hipsters pass by on the sidewalk as they take in the sun, and I feel content. I don’t envy them or wish I was them. I’m not embarrassed of the empty chair across from me.
A year ago, I couldn’t have done it. I couldn’t have displayed my aloneness, my singleness in such an obvious manner. If I wanted to go for coffee, to the bookstore, or on an aimless adventure, I would have sought company. I would never have gone to a movie alone. I would have begged my sisters or pleaded with friends to avoid going out and announcing to the world that I was alone, unattached, by myself, single.
I would rather have just spent untold hours in the dark quiet of my room.
I’ve spent years being embarrassed and maybe even ashamed by my lack of a relationship status. I’ve never gone on a real date or had a first kiss; brought a guy home to meet my parents; celebrated an anniversary with my boyfriend; had a guy bring me flowers, chocolates or poetry (though I could probably do without the poetry). I’ve never looked at a man and said, “I love you.” I’ve been the perpetually single at twenty-four young woman, and I’ve done everything to hide it. I didn’t want people to wonder what was wrong with me. I didn’t want guys to think I was defective. I didn’t want to feel unwanted, unattractive, or untogether.
Women often try to turn their desire to get married into a joke. Girls at college (especially those of the Christian variety) laugh about getting a “ring by spring” or an MRS degree. We create notebooks and Pinterest boards dedicated to our eventual wedding. We write letters to our future spouse, pick out baby names, and wonder if every guy we meet is the One while the wedding scene from The Vow scrolls through our mind in slow motion.
Basically, we turn into the female version of Ted Mosby.
But for some, it doesn’t just happen. We see our friends marry their high school or college sweethearts. We see our sisters date the good Christian boy from church. We begin to question ourselves. Why isn’t it happening for us? What am I missing? What’s wrong with me?
I’m guilty of looking at finding a guy, the guy, as a rite of passage. I have my degree. I’ve done some traveling. I’ve taken risks, made some mistakes, and probably screwed up my credit, so where’s the guy? I’m here at twenty-four, ready to meet my Mr. Forever, but he’s nowhere to be found. The man who is destined for me, supposed to complete me, the other half of my soul seems to be playing the ultimate game of hide and seek.
And I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.
The thing is, technically I haven’t done anything wrong. But I have approached it all wrong. Unfairly, I looked at my future husband as some sort of hero-meets-knight-in-shining-armor-meets-Mr. Darcy-slash-Ironman. He is the epitome, the ultimate, my crowning achievement. He’s what I deserve after my years of patience, my years of singleness. He’s my other and better half.
Only he isn’t. He isn’t an object to be won, or a cure-all for my loneliness.
My mistake as I see it now is thinking that I’m somehow lacking because I haven’t found the guy, that being single means I’m under construction; that I’m missing some essential piece to the puzzle that is my heart and soul.
Not having a man doesn’t mean I’m anything less. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. It doesn’t mean I’m incomplete, unfinished, or half of a person. Having a guy isn’t going to solve all my problems, fix my insecurities, or bring untold and uninterrupted happiness. That isn’t his job. And it’s a bit unfair to put that on an imperfect and flawed man.
But I can put that on God. I can seek Him and be made absolute. He is the piece that my heart and soul require. I’m made complete in Christ; in His grace, mercy, and salvation I am made anew. To live with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit within me means I am whole—I’m wholly His and wholly finished.
I’m not deficient, defective, or broken. I’m not empty or alone.
I’m the best I can be.
Finding the right man should be about finding the guy I can be my best with. It shouldn’t be about finding the guy can improve or fix me. It should be about finding the guy who lets me be the wholly finished creation that God made me and challenges me to grow in Christ, and not about finding the guy who wants to make me into something else or makes me want to compromise who I am.
So I sit at my quiet table, and I accept the aloneness. I accept that I am single. I accept that I haven’t met the right man not because I’m broken, but because I’m not ready. I accept that having the right guy come into my life isn’t something I deserve, but a gift that God gives me. I accept that one day God will bless me with the man I’m meant to marry.
I accept that until then, I’ll be the single girl drinking an Italian soda in the coffee shop beside an empty chair.
And I revel in the fact that regardless of how my love life plays out, I am complete in Christ, in His presence and in His love.
Follow Cassi on Twitter here and read more of her wonderful writing here.
Wow Cassi! Thanks for putting into words what so many of us single women feel!
My pleasure! Thank you for reading!
Cassi
So this isn’t a reply to the previous post but i couldn’t figure out how to post a comment otherwise, I was just reflecting on the fact that i’m 21 years old and have never kissed a dude when low and behold this pops up in my fb news feed. Although i have to say that my perception and thoughts about my situation vary (partly because I’m agnostic) it always makes me feel better to know i’m not the only one. Thanks
Absolutely beautiful. I am going to be 24 next month, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I felt like you were speaking directly to me. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I want to get married someday but I know that I’m not ready. I will never settle for less than I deserve. This was an amazing post, Cassi. Thank you!
Thanks for saying so! I truly appreciate it.
Cassi
I feel like I wrote this post myself. I, too, and perpetually single, and don’t feel insecure by that. I’ve discovered much of the same thing over the past five years. I believe I am truly ready for the right one to come along now more than ever, and while it does enter my thoughts more than I care for it too, I know that God has it all in his hands. I always say that you can never fully love someone else until you can accept Christ’s love for all that it is, and learn to love yourself for who you are.
I think about finding the right guy, too. I don’t think it’s a matter of not thinking about it, as much as not letting in consume your time. God has it all under control.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Cassi
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Thanks for this
Oh man did I need to hear this. Thank you!
Very well said…looking forward to reading much more of what you have to say on the topic.
Cassie,
I see your heart and it’s beautiful. There is a calm surrender I feel when reading this. God has amazing plans for you because your hopes and dreams rest on Him. Singleness is a momentary (or life-long) gift from God, and a gift is meant to be enjoyed! Thank you for sharing. I could relate.
Blessings,
Rachel
This was very sweet. Thank you for the kind words
Cassi
I used to be really boy crazy and dream of being in a relationship, but I’ve been single for 100% of my life thus far. I used to get scared that I would end up alone, but we are never alone. The greatest lover we will ever have is Christ and I know His love is more satisfying than any man’s love will ever be.
I think that men need to definitely read this post too because a lot of the Christian guys I have encountered lately go after girls in the wrong way because they are so discontent with being single. I have had several talks with guys about getting to know the girl as a friend first because the day after they meet a girl they would try to “get at it” (I really can’t stand that lingo by the way, it’s pretty derogatory against women I say). Most of my guy friends are a few years older than me so they think they are all ready to get married, but I think they’re still single because they aren’t spiritually mature enough to lead a woman. But yeah, I’m going to share this with them because I think they need to read these words just as much as all my single girlfriends.
This is definitely a subject that relates to men and women alike. Both have a tendency to get restless with impatience and want to settle down. We let that get in the way of growing and maturing in Christ. We have to know who we are in Him before we can figure who we are with someone else.
Thank you for reading!
Cassi
I’m turning 24 next month, and I feel like I wrote this post. Well, except I can’t write this well. But it was a blessing to read, and a striking reminder of where my heart and mind need to be.
This made me smile! Thanks for taking the time to read it!
Cassi
While reading your post I related to every word. This is exactly how I feel.
Thank for this
As numerous of other beautiful ladies said before me, I needed to hear this. Thanks for writing and sharing your heart, girl.
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You are right on many things except one. You aren’t single because you aren’t ready. How can we ever truly be “ready” because in a sense you are thinking you have to be the most perfect version of yourself! No one is ever truly “ready” for a relationship. There’s always things we want to work on, things we want to accomplish. My stepmother was not “ready” for my father rather she just took a chance and happened to find a good fit for her. You are single only because you haven’t found the right fit for yourself yet and that’s ok. It means you aren’t willing to be in a relationship just to be in one! You are waiting to find someone who compliments you
When I mentioned not being ready, I didn’t mean in the “I need to be perfect” way. No one will ever be perfect, because we’re human and that’s the way it is. But I do believe that we can be ready emotionally and spiritually. I believe that someday God will determine I’m ready to share my life with a wonderful man. Until then, I wait.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Cassi
I think you are right about everything but one point that you made. Man and women are created to complement eachother, not to complete eachother.
I agree. At the end of the post, I mention that a man cannot complete me, but I am complete in Christ. Finding a man isn’t about finding someone to make me whole. I am already whole in Christ.
Thank you for reading.
Cassi
Reblogged this on Mariam Nour.
I’m 35, and single, never married, very few dates. And at age 29, I realized I had lived much of my life on hold, waiting for him. Waiting to ‘be ready’. Ready for what though? All of my teenage years were about ‘getting ready to meet the one’. And if I hadn’t met him yet… then I wasn’t ready.. and something must be wrong with me.
At 29, I realized that was the wrong mentality to have. I missed out on so much of life. I made plans tentatively… thinking I might pick up and move at any moment because I had met /him/ and would go where he goes. I never thought beyond a year or two… never put down roots… was never content. I’m so glad that at 24 you, and so many others, are realizing this. I hope the Church does a better job at encouraging young women (and men) to be independent, dreamers, goal setters, explorers, creative… choosing the life you want to have, regardless if you are single, or not, than it did for me.
Now… I’m making plans.. having a blast… and learning that contentment and having dreams do not cancel each other out.
I love this. There is such a fine line between waiting to find ‘the One’ and becoming paralyzed in that wait. We aren’t called to sit around waiting for him to appear. In fact, if we don’t go out and do the things we love and enjoy, we may never come across him at all. But regardless, our lives are complete in Christ, not in our spouse.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Cassi
Thank you so much for this post! It’s definitely what I needed, especially after feeling down for the past few weeks. Seeing my friends and family members with boyfriends or getting married is frustrating at times. I wonder, “Why can’t that be me?” But I realize there’s a time and purpose for everything, and now may not be the best time for me to be in a relationship. God knows when I’ll be ready for someone, so I’ll have to trust Him and enjoy where He is leading me.
One thing I’ve learned from my past is that I tend to jump into relationships. That’s something I definitely don’t want to do anymore. I think God is teaching me how to truly trust in Him so I don’t feel the need to “be complete” by having a boyfriend. It’s hard not rushing to find the perfect guy, but I know leaning on Him will help me grow in the long run.
As someone who’s never had a relationship to jump into, I understand how being alone is hard. It’s not always fun. But if we can’t learn to love and enjoy ourselves without our spouse, we won’t know who we are when we are with that person. So stay strong; you’ll find him
Cassi
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This is so me. Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder that we are complete in Christ.
I loved this line: “I accept that I haven’t met the right man not because I’m broken, but because I’m not ready.”
I wrote about how I felt toward my own perpetual singleness on my blog several months ago: http://knownrenowned.com/2011/10/20/single-but-not-alone-unloved-unworthy-yadi-yadi/ , in case anyone wants to check it out.
All at once I feel anger, sadness, and hope. I feel angry because this pinpointed the very area in my life that I have never been able to fully trust to God’s care. There is a lot of fear there, too. Sadness, because I so badly desire to love someone and be loved. Again, there is the fear that I will never “find the one”. And hope, because I so badly want to feel freedom in being single and being independent and being adventurous on my own. So, thank you for writing this.
Everyone deals the same feelings you’re struggling with. Don’t feel like you’re alone. I have such a difficult time trusting God with the big things; I like control. But I’m learning. It takes time and patience and practice. You’ll figure it out with God’s help. He’s always there after all.
Thank you for reading!
Cassi
Reblogged this on myheartonaplatter.
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Hi Cassi,
It sounds like what you are doing wrong is you’re looking for a husband rather than a boyfriend. Guys like a relationship to start casually, and progress naturally and slowly to something deeper. If you give off the vibe that you’re thinking long-term and weddings on the first date, you’ll come across as a rabbit-boiler.
Perhaps you could practice flirting. It’s a skill that improves with practice, so try it even with guys you’re not interested in dating (plus it makes both them and yourself feel good). Then try dating guys who are not marriage material, and just enjoy the experience of sharing a movie and talking with someone different. Then, when you do meet the right guy, you’ll you’ll be relaxed and ready to enjoy the early dating period for what it is, not for where it leads.
This is quite literally some of the worst dating advice I’ve ever read. Following this kind of thinking is what results in broken hearts, lost feelings, and people feeling like they’ve been led on.
Dating isn’t and shouldn’t be an experiment. It’s a means of finding a true and ever-lasting partner. Otherwise, you’re simply practicing deceit.
Mark, I appreciate your reading, but please be more wise and considerate before offering such heinous advice in the future.
-C
Hi Cory
Well, I’d say I’m the only one in the past 37-or-so comments to actually give dating advice as opposed to sentimental fluff. Talking about love, listen and serve is all very good, but someone has to give practical advice like “turn the marriage talk down from 10 to 1 in the first dates”. You should know, it sounds like marriage pressure made you break off your last relationship.
You’ve been giving some less-than-stellar dating advice yourself. Cassi is obviously a very bright and articulate young lady. But trusting God to send Mr Right to her won’t work. She feels that way now, at 24, but what about when she’s 28? Or 32? Or 40? At some point she’ll realise that it’s not God’s job to put Mr Right in her life, it’s her job. And to do it, she’s going to need some top-notch dating skills, otherwise Mr. Right will decide to be someone else’s Mr Right.
The elephant in the room is that people like Cassi often have very underdeveloped social skills in regards to dating. It’s no reflection on them or their intelligence, it’s just that you can’t be a fun date if your flirting and relationship skills are below those of high schoolers. And how can you have any flirting or relationship skills if you’ve never done either?
There’s a risk of a vicious circle developing, where lack of dating skills leads to one being less datable than one’s peers, which leads to one’s dating skills falling further behind, and so on. To break the cycle, one has to make a conscious effort to learn how to flirt. This applies to both guys and girls.
And as for all that broken hearts and deceit bulldust, you should give your readers the benefit of assuming they’re over 12 years old. Adults can handle flirting, it’s by and large a very positive experience. Only the most sheltered and immature people are hurt by flirting….and who would want to flirt with them anyway?
Hello Mark,
I honesty had no intention of responding to your earlier comment, considering I felt the ‘advice’ you gave was rather, well, terrible. But this comment is a bit out of line. First, I’d like to say that I’ve written about the importance of not putting too much pressure on the beginning of a relationship, especially when you are first getting to know each other. However, dating guys who don’t seem like ‘marriage material’ is a recipe for disaster. It can lead to broken hearts and has no future.
And while I appreciate that you believe I am bright and articulate, your assumption that I am lacking in social skills is rude and unfounded, especially since you do not know me in any capacity. I haven’t dated not because I don’t know how to flirt or because I’ve scared off the guy with talk of weddings (which is a tad stereotypical of you to say), but because I wasn’t ready. I was focused on my education and saw relationships as a distraction. I’m cautious and careful with my heart. I always have been. I’d rather be single at 40 than jump into something I regret.
And I don’t see dating as some sort of competition. I don’t think I have to have better flirting or conversational skills than other women; I don’t think I have to have untold experience with men. Because the right guy for me will love me for exactly who I am, not for all the things I pretend to be. And I won’t have to try and lure him away from other women, proving my superior dating talents as I do so. That’s not what dating is about; that’s not a way to start a relationship.
I don’t expect God to miraculously present me with a guy. But I do pray that He will lead me to him. I have no qualms with working hard to make a relationship happen; the best things in life are worth working for. But if I try to seek my future husband (not just a boyfriend) I want God to be involved. I want Him to direct me.
And while I appreciate your attempts at dating advice, the purpose of this post wasn’t a call for help. It wasn’t me asking how to be better at dating. It was me realizing that being single isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t mean I less of a woman or somehow defective. Having a man in my life doesn’t make me better and it doesn’t make me more of a woman. I’d rather be contently alone than playing games with men, trying to convince them I’m worth dating.
Cassi
Thank you for putting into words what has been in my daughter’s heart. I know that God will, in His time, bring the right man to her, in the meantime, she has been building her life and enjoying it to the fullest. She is almost 27 and many of her friends are wonderful, beautiful, single career girls, loving God and living their lives to the fullest. Be blessed, understanding that God is faithful!
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Cassi, this is wonderful.
I have been single my entire life, but I am not broken. I have often dealt with people questioning my appeal, functionality, and sanity for never having had a boyfriend. They treat me like a broken toy most times, simply because I have yet to find a person that I find worth my time. But that’s the point, isn’t it? Finding someone worth my time. To be honest, I view dating as a prequel to getting married; I am not going to date someone who I know I *will not* marry. Why would I? What’s the purpose? Guys aren’t clothes, to be tried one at a time until you find one that’s flattering. That’s like looking for a medication and trying a bunch of medicines on top of each other — once you find one that works, you’ll be too screwed up to know how good it is.
I really appreciate you wording this for all of us. Thank you for waiting; it is so encouraging to have someone else out there who is as “crazy” as I am.
~Melissa
Also, I love how well you handled the situation with Mark a few comments above. It is extremely impressive and I’m proud of you!
I love this.
I am 22 and have never had a boyfriend and am way tired of feeling like I have to defend myself and my sanity.
People never understand it and always tell me I’m being unrealistic, but I’ve always wanted, in my heart ever since I can remember, the first guy I get in a serious, committed relationship with to be the man God intends for me to marry.
After all, why would I want to risk giving my heart to someone I was never intended to be with?
I refuse to settle and be with a guy simply out of impatience, insecurity, boredom, or convenience.
Jesus Christ is truly the only One who will ever and can ever complete me, and He is really all each of us need.
Besides, relationships are hard work, and marriage is a life-long commitment not something to be entered into lightly or with divorce as an immediate fall-back option.
What I love about the Bible is you don’t see women running around dating a bunch of men.
God brought Eve to Adam when He saw fit and I believe He will lead every woman that is fully surrendered to Him and His will to the man of God He created her to complement in His perfect timing.
Thank you so much for sharing.
It is so good to know that whether or not God has a man for us, we already have what is most important, His perfect, eternal love, forgiveness, and salvation.
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