Breakups are never a simple, easily-handled thing to deal with—well not if you actually cared for the person, anyway. Whether you did the breaking or were broken up with, a part of you needs time to heal and be made whole from the pain caused by the breakup. And no matter how long it’s been, it carries a little bit of extra sting when you discover your ex has moved on to someone else. Recently, I had the misfortune of discovering this for myself.
As I tweeted the other day, I realize I don’t have the right or privilege to be upset with my ex-girlfriend for finding someone new—I ended the relationship after all—but when I found out she was with someone new, I did indeed want to burn her house down…if only a little bit. To be truthful, I loved her and want only the best for her, so, of course, that means being happy for her if she’s happy; even if it’s not with me. But considering it’d only been about 2 months since our breakup, I was a bit perplexed and downtrodden to discover this new beau had taken my place in her life. I’m not proud to say I did a bit of snooping/stalking/reconnaissance to learn what I could about their relationship (which was very little dangit). And though, I snarled at the thought of her being with someone else, I knew it wasn’t fair to me—or her—for me to dwell on this situation to the point that it ate me alive from the inside (as these things can often do).
So, in the spirit of sharing my own experiences so that others may learn from them, I’ve put together a list of three things we can do to be okay when our ex moves on.
Let’s get to it.
Try to Keep from Doing “Research”
I put this one first because it’s the hardest of the three (in my opinion) to do.
When you find out that your ex is now involved with someone new, you quickly go through 4 of the 5 stages of grief (skipping “acceptance” obviously). It’s a myriad of emotions and feelings; “hOw CoUld ThEy Do ThIs tO mE?!!” and so forth. So naturally the next step is to find out all you can about this new person who has nestled into the spot you once held (as I’ve already mentioned, I’m super guilty of this). You skewer their Facebook page and Twitter timeline (if the jerk hasn’t made it private…). You think conceited things like “HAHAHA they don’t even compare to me!” You may even sit outside your ex’s house and cry for a while (No? Just me then? Cool cool cool).
However, to keep our wits and sanity about us, it’s best if we refrain from this so called “research”. We shouldn’t snoop on them and we shouldn’t become obsessed with their new relationship (easier said then done, I know). Our relationship ended for a reason and sadly, our ex is no longer our concern. It’s best if we leave them and their new partner to themselves. It’s not a simple task, but it’s a necessary one.
It’s Time to Stop Talking
Sometimes when we breakup with someone, we maintain contact with them because we want to maintain a friendship with them even after our romantic relationship has gone kaput (even though that is nearly impossible to do). But when our ex moves on to someone new, it’s unfair to them and their relationship to continue our conversations. Why? Because if we’ve had feelings for them and they’ve had them for us, we will be a distraction for their new relationship and it will cause trouble for them one way or the other.
So if we want them to be happy, if we want them to be complete, let’s let them do their own thing with their new partner. We’ll be just fine without them as they will be without us.
By the way, this “stop talking” thing also applies to bad mouthing your ex or their new partner as well. Ranting and raving about how awful they are or all the bad things they did to you doesn’t make them look bad; it makes you look jealous and petty. So keep it classy and move along without a peep, yeah?
Be Happy for Them
This step may actually tie with the first one in degree of difficulty.
When our ex finds someone new, we feel betrayed in a way. And really all that is is jealousy. So to be a mature adult about everything (as we should be, right?), it’s best if we do our best to be happy for them and their new relationship. After all, they’ve found someone they can care about and connect with. They’re happy and moving on. If we ever cared for them even a little bit, a part of us should be happy that they’re happy. It’s not a simple task to undertake, but it is possible. Besides, how are we supposed to find someone new to be happy with if we’re still bitter at our ex for doing so first? Exactly.
Keep these three simple steps in mind for when/if your ex moves on before you think they should. Doing so will (hopefully) give you a peace of mind and a will to rise above. And that’s what it’s all about…well that and maybe setting a small brush fire around their garage or something…?
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