Understanding Sex
To understand something means to dissect it, to study it, and to fully immerse yourself within its world so that you may fully grasp all that it entails—except to do that with sex, you’d probably have to watch a lot of porn or have a lot of sex, so let’s put a pin in that for a second. I don’t want anyone getting addicted to naked folks on their computer screen or STD’s being passed around just because I wanted to talk about sex. So just breathe for a second, people! Geez!
First and foremost, it’s not my place to tell you if and when you can or can’t have sex. That’s your choice to make. But it is my responsibility to share with you the mistakes I’ve made in the past and hope you choose to learn from them rather than repeat them. If you’re of the legal age to consent, no one can keep you from having sex if that’s what you really want to do. That’s just bare bones honesty. But if you’re making the choice to enter into that type of decision, I want you to be fully aware of what you’re doing and committing to.
There are plenty of people who will tell us that having sex before we’re married is fine as long as we’re safe about it. There are also plenty of other people (usually of the Christian persuasion) who will tell us that it’s best to wait until we’re married to engage in sexual activity. They tell us this because of the complications and rudimentary commitments that come with having sex in the first place. We may not see them immediately, but they’re there.
I’ve always thought of sex as if it were an iceberg. No, I’m not referring to JD’s trick of keeping ice in his mouth so that his tongue always has that cold feeling he thinks is so sexy. I mean that there’s a lot more that comes with sex than just what we think we see. Just because we want sex (and I think most of us do) doesn’t mean that we understand or fully grasp the magnitude of such an act. (I am, of course, speaking to the unattached and unmarried here.) Engaging in consensual sex is something that carries the weight of both participants’ feelings, beliefs, and comfort. Sex is saying, “Even if it’s just for tonight, I’m allowing you to have a piece of me”. That’s heavy. And it has the potential to change lives.
Sex is the wrapping of two souls together for a brief moment in time (how brief usually depends on the guy HI-OH). No matter how well you do or don’t know this other person, for that time, you two are entering into a covenant with each other that holds consequences—because sex, no matter how frivolous or care-free we think it is, comes with feelings and insecurities.
“I’ve called her twice and she hasn’t called me back. Did she use me?” (actual thought I’ve had) or “I really like him so maybe if I keep sleeping with him, he’ll like me back” (actual thought I’ve caused). These types of thoughts (and much worse, honestly) are the possible results of having sex with someone you aren’t fully committed to.
To be completely transparent in my honesty, I can’t tell you that sex isn’t fun and awesome. It’s both those things and so much more. And to be even more honest, it is possible for two humans to simply have sex and then go on their merry way. I’ve done it and so have a lot of other people. But because of how personal and intimate the act of intercourse can be, the result is usually one of the individuals either being disappointed or hurt because they were used for sex and weren’t considered worthy of more. And that’s where feelings are bruised and emotions are wrecked. We enter into this time of sensual delight with another and perhaps a piece of us (consciously or not) begins to hold onto the hope of something more developing from our time together. Only, that doesn’t always happen, so we are left with feelings lacking in security and self worth. Maybe it doesn’t always happen, but the possibility is always there.
I wish I could just tell you what you should do and simply have you do it. But the truth remains that your choices are your own. It’s up to you to decide if you’ll engage in sex when you feel the time is right and you’re ready for it, whether that’s before or after you’re married.
And despite my past, I know what I believe and hold to be true…but the pushing of my beliefs onto you won’t do you any good. This is a choice that you have to make by yourself.
To sex or not to sex: it’s your choice. Just make sure you understand what all you’re getting yourself into beforehand.
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You’re right, it all boils down to a choice. One that will change you and affect another person whether you think it will or not. That’s something I learned the hard way over the last few years. I feel like a lot of painful lessons happen because when it comes to talking about sex, few people in the Christian circle actually talk about having it. It’s usually people telling each other not to have it. That it’s a sin and that they’re a TERRIBLE person if they fall into the temptation… and that’s it. Beyond that, there’s a lot of silence. On the other hand, you get a lot of people that give the impression that it’s not important enough to talk about.
It’s refreshing to see someone tackling this subject without persuading one way or the other.
I completely agree with you on all points except one. Yes, sex is a time of vulnerability and can leave you feeling used and empty. I don’t agree with one night stands. But none of those arguments (none I’ve ever heard, really, except “It says so in the Old Testament,”) precludes sex with someone you love and you know loves you. Whether you’re married or not, when you’re in a relationship with someone, your souls intertwine even in the absence of sex – that is the essence of a relationship. So if you both want to, I seriously, sincerely don’t see why not. But when done with love, not merely lust.
I agree with you in that if two people are in love, their souls are already entwined. However, sometimes people can mistake lust or a crush or infatuation as love, and if they then go and have sex, then they are entwining themselves with someone they don’t feel commitment for. Sadly a lot of people in seemingly loving relationships have sex, but then break up because they realise they’re not in love at all, and that can cause just as much pain. But anyway, great article!
From my own personal experiance: You can go eyes wide open into a “fling” thinking you’re going to be able to walk away unscathed. The truth is that you don’t know what you will feel like until after it’s done. It may not bother you today, but it may torment you later.
This is absolutely one of my favorite posts of yours, bro. And one of the most refreshing treatments of this subject I’ve ever heard. Thank you for your honesty and humility. (The 1st paragraph made me laugh so hard I disturbed people around me…)
Sex is one of the most misunderstood components of human relationships – and the major reason for that is the “Taboos” we put on it. Or even talking about it.
It’s not like everyone is going to stop “doing it.” So, why don’t we talk more about it?
Keep up the good work, man.
I have had many a friend eventually find someone that they marry and then told me ‘I wish I had waited for him. No one else loved me the way he does,’ etc, etc. I just think it’s better to wait, especially hearing that from people who’ve had their share of sexual partners. I’m not saying that I’m better than anyone else, by any means. I have my own share of sin. It just breaks my heart every time I see someone come out of a relationship where there was sex involved and they are completely messed up by it. It’s hard enough getting over a break up where sex isn’t involved. It just seems to make everything hurt more deeply, and hurt people to their cores.
I had the experience in the flesh: I was raped for my 18th birthday. I was afraid to be infected with an STD or worse, HIV!! I felt lonely and ugly, so I had sex. I felt worse after. I looked for friendship, acceptance, companionship, attention, so I had sex. I felt even more disgusted at myself after. I had a fling, thought I was in love and ended up pregnant after 3 months. And then I had to marry him, and he damaged me so much that I even stopped talking for months after we separated. My child is now growing up without a dad. Sex ALWAYS has consequences! ALWAYS!!! Why should you wait to have sex until marriage? Because you are not just staying away from unwanted pregnancies, STDs and whatnot, but because you are protecting something even more valuable than your body, which is your heart.
Very well said and an excellent read for me on a personal level. I agree that it does come down to a choice and sometimes you think you’re ready and then you are close to having sex when you realize you’re not ready. I think that is due to infatuation with the person or even the idea of having sex. But sex is much more than sex like you said.