Simple Thoughts on Complicated Women

If there’s one certain thing that exists in this world, it’s that men will never fully understand women. They’re too complex (complicated?), too intelligent (they use an estimated 99% of their brain while we men only use about 4.5%), and too different for men to be able to comprehend all that they are or are capable of. It’s a little frightening actually.

Now most of you will read the opening to this and assume that I’m pandering to females, that I’m doing what I can to please the majority of women who read my writing (although that would be wise of me). And I suppose it can be seen that way, but in all honesty, I don’t write these particular set of thoughts for the benefit of women; I write them for the benefit of my fellow man.

It’s one thing to process the trials and tribulations I’ve experienced with women simply to turn them into knowledge and only keep them for myself. It’s another thing altogether to share these ill gotten “gains” with some of my brethren who may or may not know some of the things that I do. Look at this as a tutelage of sorts for those fellas who may or may not have had the ups and downs I’ve had with the female species. Hey, I like to share. I won’t apologize for that.

Anyway, here now are some thoughts on women:

Something simple to remember is that women appreciate it if we put the toilet seat back down after we’ve used it (and yes you should raise it before you use it, you barbarian). At first, you think it’s just because they don’t want to bruise their tailbones by falling into the toilet (why they don’t look before sitting down, I do not know). And partially you’d be right.
But as much as women don’t want to get a boo boo on their bum bum, it’s more about respect than bruised heinys. A woman wants to know that you’re considering her safety and well being before your own. You raising the seat for her after you’re done isn’t just about being considerate, it’s about taking the time to consider how she’d feel if she fell into the toilet (hilarious to imagine, be honest…). It’s about acknowledging her needs and respecting them.
Really, it’s about submission (I’M KIDDING).

She can Take Care of Herself…Probably
Most men tend to think that they’re supposed to be the big bad protector of the relationship, that we’re supposed to do everything we can for the woman. And again, that’s mostly true.
In reality, most women of today’s society like to feel the accomplishment of doing things for themselves, of standing on their own independence; yet at the same time, they like knowing that their man would do those things if she allowed him to. It’s like the most complicated mind-game in the history of the world at this point.
“You don’t have to do those things, but it would be nice if you wanted to…”
Again, don’t try to understand them; just try to not get maced and/or kicked in the hooha’s.

She Did What?!
In the old days, the roles of the man and woman were more clearly defined than they are now. These days, everything is all flippy-flopped (I’m on a boat!) and up for grabs. I mean, some women just go up and ASK MEN OUT BEFORE WE’VE HAD A CHANCE TO ASK HER FIRST! Can you believe that?! What’s next? Kim Kardashian becoming a nun (AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)? (I’m kidding, of course)
My point of this caps lock-laden entry is that we men shouldn’t be surprised when a woman shows interest in us and then acts on that interest. And you know what? That’s fine! Honestly, I think they got sick of waiting for us to gather enough testicular fortitude to talk to them/ask them out/not start crying when we’re talking to them (may or may not be speaking from experience here). Sure, we should be the one doing the pursuing, but as the overrated Bob Dylan once sang, “The times, they are a-changin.’”

Fight Like a Man
At the beginning, I mentioned that women are too intelligent for us to understand them fully and that is unequivocally true. And it’s never more true than when the two of you are arguing or fighting.
Whatever you’re thinking about saying, she’s already thought it, prepared for it, and is now roughly five moves ahead of you and just WAITING for you to make a mistake/say the wrong thing. They’re cunning like that (but in a good way, of course).
I don’t really have any advice here. Just pick your words carefully…and maybe carry some mace of your own?

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  1. Hannah said:

    Ahaha, wow! You made me laugh whilst making my think, I take my hat off to you, sir.

    • Hannah said:

      And by ‘my’, I of course mean, ‘me’. XD

  2. Sara said:

    Haha, i love your thoughts corey, they’re so much wittier than my thoughts of the same essence.

  3. Olivia said:

    Just a re-thought to your “She Did What?!” part: Yes these times are a-changin’, but that also means that we women are getting more serious about our careers and less about finding a man. I think it’s important for any men/boys reading this post to still focus on “being a man” and asking the woman.. well ANYTHING first. If you don’t, we will secretly hold a mental note of your lack of nuts against you forever because you weren’t “man” enough in the beinning. We’re not being mean, it’s just seriously YOUR job. So take pride in it.

  4. Whew, Cory..I’m glad I don’t have to worry my mind with that complexities of that species.

  5. Ok, my first burning question is: is it heiny,or heinie? Or even heiney for that matter. I need to know as I like to refer to that part of the anatomy in my writings. Maybe it’s just a personal choice, since it’s basically a sniglet kind of word. Google doesn’t seem to care either way.

    Second question: Help me with my confusion. You write posts from both sides of the fence. You broke up with your girlfriend because you decided to be single forever? But then you write posts that are a bit flirty? So I’m not sure where you are coming from, overall. Are you a fence sitter? Cause I am for the most part, lol.

    • Can you be “flirty” without singling out a certain reader? Also, this post was addressed to men and I’m not a homosexual so…haha
      As far as heinys, I also had to Google it and came across a couple of brands who used it like that, so I went with that variation.

  6. Most of the time, we women don’t even understand ourselves, so I suppose what matters is that guys *try* to understand us, and make an effort to show that we are worth being known. Complexities and all.

  7. Katie said:

    One of my favorite posts! Just one tiny thing… “Their cunning like that”- it’s actually “they’re” (I’m a woman and an English major- what can I say? Oh right- you’re welcome!)

  8. Emily said:

    Could I take “She can Take Care of Herself…Probably” a step further? It’s not that we don’t like men to do things for us, it’s all about the heart! If a man makes dinner for us, we would LOVE to know it’s because he knew we had a hard day and didn’t feel like making anything, NOT because he doesn’t like our cooking. It’s because he prefers us and our comfort over his own (because, chances are, he had a bad day too). And that’s what makes the female heart melt. :D

  9. christinaiko said:

    I just about died laughing while reading this. When you wrote about the toilet seat, I was like, “Uhhh no! Men need to not only put the seat back down, but put the lid down as well because when you flush, little particles go flying around the bathroom and my toothbrush happens to be in that same bathroom. I don’t need that nastiness invading my mouth.” LOL. I laughed so hard at the “She Did What?!” because I got that same reaction when I told a guy I had feelings for him. I do believe that a man should pursue to woman, but this guy was driving me crazy and I had no idea what was going on so I had to break the ice. Of course that conversation got interrupted and we never did finish that talk, but he was really glad that I was honest with him because he expected honesty from me and it’s not awkward now, in fact we’re closer than ever haha.

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