It’s been said that there’s someone for everyone, that every single person on this planet has a partner and helpmate who’s simply waiting to be found. And as much as I’d like to believe this wonderfully romantic thought (romance is still a thing, right?), I don’t think I can anymore.
As I wrote a few weeks ago, I recently became single again. And even though plenty of individual readers took it upon themselves to assume what happened (most were girls or guys looking to get with me or my former girlfriend after only a week. Cads.), I didn’t give a reason for the breakup. I made the conscious choice to not give the full story; partly because I wasn’t ready to share, and partly because I wasn’t sure it should be shared. Yet after thinking and praying about it for the last few days, I can’t help but believe that there are those who can learn something from the situation at hand and the decision that was birthed from it. After all, that’s why I started writing in this space to begin with; so others could learn from the experiences and mistakes that I’ve had and made (whether anyone’s learned a single thing from my ramblings in the last 9 months has yet to be seen LOL *cries inside*).
My most recent relationship was the most wonderful thing I’d ever experienced. She was everything I wanted in a partner and a lover. Beautiful, smart, and funnier than me (much, much funnier actually). She accepted me for who I am and would be as opposed to the man I was in the past. Heck, I even moved to another state to be with her. We were in love and things were amazingly perfect.
Now as I’ve mentioned, I married young and was divorced after three years. Since then, I’ve always had an inkling that I didn’t want to be married again; maybe because the marriage wasn’t all that great (mostly my fault), maybe because I simply didn’t like being married. And as I fell more and more in love with this wonderful woman I was blessed to be with, I slowly began to realize that though I loved and cared for her, marriage wasn’t something I could wrap my head around. The desire to be married, to be tethered to another human being for the rest of our lives wasn’t in my heart; yet here I was with this amazing woman who deserved everything I couldn’t give her. I didn’t know what to do…so I prayed. And though I wanted so badly to put aside everything I was feeling and take the leap anyway, I knew doing so would only lead to more pain and heartache a ways down the road. I would’ve been unhappy and that, in turn, would have affected her. I couldn’t have that. She didn’t deserve to be ruined by me…so I ended the relationship.
Breaking up with her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was worse than getting divorced, honestly. I wanted so bad to keep her for myself. I wanted so desperately to wrap her up and stay with her for as long as she would let me. But I knew in my deepest of hearts that was too selfish—even for me. She wants to be married some day and I had realized that I do not. It’s nearly impossible to compromise on such a thing, I suppose. Still deeply and recklessly in love, we parted ways.
Every day, I miss her. Every day, I want to go back to her. But I know that because I love her, I need to allow her to have what she wants in this life. It just breaks my heart that I can’t be that for her.
Was I made to be unmarried for the rest of my life? I honestly believe that I was.
Is that okay? Is that acceptable by God’s standards? Paul was unmarried and saved an entire continent, so yes, I believe that God made some people to be single in their life’s work.
Will I continue to write about relationships even though I’m committed to staying out of them? Yes. I deeply believe that others can learn from the mistakes I’ve made in love, and doing so will allow them to escape the heartache I’ve caused and felt. It’s a purpose I believe in wholeheartedly.
Lastly, allow me to offer you some encouragement: in reality, most people get married and most people have families. And just because you haven’t found that by your early twenties (or whatever age you are) doesn’t mean that God’s forgotten you or that you’re supposed to die single and alone except for your 12 cats.
We are each at the mercy of His plans, but those plans for our life—and our love—are for the betterment of our souls. It’s likely that you weren’t made to be unmarried for the duration of your life, so breathe easy, yeah? Just because you know someone (this guy) who wasn’t made to be married, doesn’t mean that you were made that way as well.
So keep the faith that God is still writing your story of love and fulfillment. He promised to give us the desires of our hearts, and unless you sincerely desire to be alone forever, He’ll provide your wants and needs.
We just have to trust in the timing of His will.
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