Dear Future Son-in-Law,
I write to you today because I think you need to know some things about the woman you’ll marry some day. I realize you’re both young—my daughter being only 5 at this time—but some things are better said and heard sooner rather than later.
I’m not a harsh man and this letter will be a reflection of that. Obviously, my daughter loves you and that means you’re probably a wonderful, kind man of God, so I’m sure that you and I will get along swimmingly (unless you’re a musician, carnival worker, or mime; then we may have an issue or two). And honestly, I hope that we do like each other. I’ve dealt with the kinds of parents who don’t like their daughter’s beau and it is no fun at all. So while I may never take you fishing or call you “son”, just know that I do indeed love and care for you. You are my daughter’s choice for eternity after all and that means something to a dad.
Now, there are a few things you need to know about me and my daughter.
Things like: she’s got her mother’s free spirit and my stubbornness. Those two things combine to make a wonderful, powerful little lady who will stand up for herself and demand the respect she deserves. I’m forever thankful and proud of her for being this way, and if you try to change that about her—or try to change ANYthing about her for that matter—uncle Seven (you’ll know about him soon enough) and I will be over to crack your kneecaps post haste.
I’ve never held a real job for more than 18 months, so for me to demand you have a successful and meaningful career before asking for my daughter’s hand in marriage would be somewhat hypocritical. Therefore, I simply ask that you work with her to build a home and support system you both can be proud of.
I don’t expect you to do all the providing. It’s important for a young couple to work together to sustain their way of life. My daughter has been raised to work for what she gets and I can promise this way of thinking will continue into her adulthood. She’ll be a woman you’ll be proud to call yours.
Speaking of, if I ever get wind of you treating my daughter with anything other than the utmost respect, I will not only kick your door in (or use a sledgehammer; whatever) but I will also find a way to ruin your reputation, your speaking abilities, and your credit (I’ve ruined mine; I’m sure there’s a way I can ruin yours).
Now with that being said, I promise to never insert myself into your relationship with my daughter. As protective of a father as I am, I understand that a man and wife need to work through problems and issues themselves and I respect that. You’re your own man and I will leave you to conduct your family as such. Just know that I’m never far away. If she needs me, I’ll be there.
It should go without saying, but I hope and pray you’re the type of man who leads my daughter and you’re marriage with the love of God first and foremost. I know it won’t always be easy to get to church, but I’m counting on you to be the kind of man who leads my daughter in the ways of Biblical truth. If not, get thee away from my sweet little daughter, you hooligan!
Lastly, I want you to know that even though my daughter comes from a broken home (her mother and I split when she was one month old), the confidence and respect she has for herself will never sway. She is beautiful, intelligent, and full of imagination. So if you think that her coming from a less-than-ideal home situation will make her easy to control or manipulate, please save yourself some trouble and severed testicles and find someone else to play your games with. My daughter will not be that girl. Her mother, stepfather, and I have worked entirely too hard to insure that she is her own supremely self-reliant person for her to be taken advantage of. So…be warned.
Future Son-in-Law, I know that I didn’t have to say some of the things I have in this letter, but what kind of father would I be if I didn’t cover the bases that need to be covered?
Just know that I love my daughter, and even though you two are a long way off from being married just yet, I’ve still got my eye on you like Rachel Green’s dad had his eye on Ross.
Love you, buddy.